First be, then you can relate

First be, then you can relate, and remember, to relate is beautiful. Relationship is a totally different phenomenon; relationship is something dead, fixed, a full point has arrived. You get married to a woman; a full point has arrived. Now things will only decline. You have reached the limit, nothing is growing any more. The river has stopped and it is becoming a reservoir. Relationship is already a thing, complete; relating is a process. Avoid relationships, and go deeper and deeper into relating.

My emphasis is on verbs, not on nouns; avoid nouns as much as possible. In language you cannot avoid, that I know; but in life, avoid -- because life is a verb. Life is not a noun, it is really "living" not "life." It is not love, it is loving. It is not relationship, it is relating. It is not a song, it is singing. It is not a dance, it is dancing.
From: The Book of Wisdom

Everybody is tortured with our so-called relationships. They start very beautifully, very sweet, but they end up very soon in utter misery, in absolute darkness, and there seems to be no end to the night. That's why my vision of a new man is that he will only relate with others, but there will be no relationship as such -- no binding for tomorrow, no contract for the future. Today is enough unto itself; enjoy it. If tomorrow you find yourselves still together, it is good. If you find yourselves separating, separate with gratitude, because for one day you have given great joy and blissfulness to each other, and it is good that before things become bitter you should separate. At least in your memory those beautiful moments will always remain -- fragrant, fresh, alive.
From: The Golden Future

And then people go on relating with others, but because they are both lonely relationship is not possible; relationship cannot grow out of need. Relationship grows only out of overflowing energies, never out of needs. If one person is needy and the other is also needy, then both will try to exploit the other. The relationship will be that of exploitation, not of love, not of compassion. It will not be of friendship. It will be a kind of enmity -- very bitter, but sugar-coated. And sooner or later, the sugar wears out; by the time the honeymoon is over the sugar is gone and all is bitter. And now they are caught. First they used to be lonely separately, now they are lonely together -- which hurts even more. Just see a husband and a wife sitting in the room, both lonely. On the surface together, deep down lonely. The husband lost in his own loneliness, the wife lost in her own loneliness. The saddest thing in the world is to see two lovers, a couple, and both lonely -- the saddest thing in the world!

Aloneness is totally different. Aloneness is a flower, a lotus blooming in your heart. Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health. It is the joy of being yourself. It is the joy of having your own space.
From: The Fish in the sea is not thirsty

 

 

And the person who can be happy alone is REALLY an individual. If your happiness depends on the other, you are a slave; you are not yet free, you are in bondage.

When you are happy alone, when you can live with yourself, there is no intrinsic necessity to be in relationship. That does not mean that you will not relate. But to relate is one thing, and to be in relationship is quite another. Relationship is a kind of bondage, relating is sharing. You will relate with many people, you will share your joy with many people, but you will not depend on anyone in particular and you will not allow anybody else to depend on you. You will not be dependent, and you will not allow anybody to be dependent on you. Then you live out of freedom, out of joy, out of love.
From: Be still and know

Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled.

That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate, and don't reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.
From: The Book of Wisdom

Two individuals relating remain individuals; two individuals getting into a relationship lose their individuality. They become a couple, and to be a couple is an ugly thing. That means you have lost your freedom, you are no more yourself; the other is also no more himself or herself. Both have lost their freedom and nobody has gained anything out of it.

That's why Sartre says, "The other is hell." But still I would like to remind you: it is not the other it is the desire for the other. When you have understood the futility of desire, the utter stupidity of desire, then you relate in a totally different way; a qualitative change happens to you. You are happy with yourself; you are not seeking happiness through the other. You are so happy that you would like to share it with somebody, that's why you relate.

Relationship originates in misery, relating originates in bliss.

And when you start relating with people you also start relating with existence.
From: Walking in Zen Sitting in Zen

	Osho Risk BOOKS and MUSIC Boegballevej 3 DK - 8740 Braedstrup, Denmark	Tel.: (+45) 75 75 25 00 (Monday.-Saturday at 4 to 6 pm.) Fax: (+45) 75 75 26 60 e-mail: oshorisk@oshorisk.dk
	© Copyright text, photographs and illustrations of Osho: Osho International Foundation www.osho.com Information about copying/publishing of text/quotations of Osho, please view www.osho.com/Copyright.cfm